To begin this short article, I want to describe what I was like before I found a program that would solve my eating prison—while at the same time freeing my mind from the greatest saboteur: myself.

I grew up in a small Texas town, living in a cul-de-sac where the neighbors felt like family. I was often the youngest in my circles, and the youngest female on both sides of my family. I had many people looking out for me, but I was also subjected to scapegoating by my seniors. I had a natural curiosity about nature, art, spirituality, and the underdog. These interests were supported within the walls of my home but discouraged in the outside world. The message I received was confusing: “Be the shieldmaiden you are—but only if others approve.”

According to my parents, I was fiercely independent and “my own” from birth—something both admired and frowned upon. Within this duality and confusion, I found myself bold as a leader, yet isolated by my sense of separation. I turned to food to cope. Eating brought me ease and comfort in the face of the world’s demands. But the consequences—like weight gain—would send me into a frenzy of control. My out-of-control eating was met with a rebound of restriction and punishing exercise. I became consumed by one question: “How can I both control and enjoy my eating?” Thus began a lifetime of on-again, off-again consumption.

My entire young adulthood was defined by my attempts to fix the fact that, at times, I would completely lose control. I was terrified by the idea of someone seeing me eat like a ravenous animal—licking and grabbing food with my hands instead of using utensils—driven by an unnatural urge. I wanted to deny these moments entirely.

I sought therapy to reveal my “werewolf” secret. I studied psychology, nutrition, and medicine to find a cure. This was my open, weeping wound—one I could not heal alone. On the suggestion of a psychic, I joined 12-step groups. I entered over thirty different fellowships related to food, emotions, relationships, and finances. I followed the steps with some success, only to fall again. Sixteen years into trying everything to heal myself, I collapsed in exhaustion. I decided it was time to end my life.

But before I followed through, something outside of me whispered to my broken mind: “Go find people. Go to that big meeting in Dallas.” I accidentally walked into a Big Book study of Al-Anon. I spent the hour weeping. After the meeting, I went to the chairperson and asked for help. After hearing my story, she felt my issue went beyond codependency and referred me to the sponsor I have today.

That was thirteen years ago. I learned that my problem wasn’t weak willpower—I had a broken mind that couldn’t stick to resolutions. A mind that sabotaged even my best efforts and drove me into despair deeper than the darkest alleys. My sponsor showed me a practical program of action—one I could apply daily. Through it, the people, places, and things that disturbed me began to lose their power. My fears lifted. I was able to face challenges, expose the parts of me I was ashamed of, and finally find peace. I fell in love with something I once hated: myself.

I learned that, on my own, I was nothing. But united with a higher power, I would be taken care of. I have not needed to bruise, beat, or burn myself with food for thirteen years and four months. I have built a fellowship around me, filled with others who have also found liberation. I am supplied with the light of this program and supported by the spiritual kings and queens who have risen from this simple process. I can look at myself and be at peace. I can nourish myself—physically, mentally, and spiritually. I can unite with this power and live free, as the shieldmaiden my creator intended me to be.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.